My White Butterfly
“LOVE YOU MUMMA" were Engel’s last words to me, when he left home, before the accident. These words echo in my ears 24/7, it gives me so much peace knowing that my Engel loves me always “ - Thangam
I painfully remember the time my husband told me that my darling Engel was no more. I wanted to jump off the 2nd floor of the hospital; I screamed; I cried; I gave up!
My life has changed, it will never be the same.
Losing my son when he was just 25 was devastating. My world came crumbling down. The child that I cherished, whom I spent my days and nights loving and caring for, my son... was gone. It is the heaviest cross any parent can carry, a cross that I now carry, and will continue to, until the last of my breath.
My life will never be the same.
‘Why did you do this to me?’ I angrily questioned my God each night. I was sore with anger and pain; I cried myself to sleep and woke up with tears streaking my face. Sometimes weeping in the bathroom, often away from the gaze of my husband or daughter, I said to myself...
My life will never be the same.
“Time heals”, I was often told, but no one can understand this loss; no one can heal this wound. I don’t wish for my worst enemy, if I did have any, to go through the same. Losing a child is very different to losing a parent. It’s inexplicable; unfathomable.
My life is not the same.
How long was I going to feel like this, suffering and torn, I wondered. Will my life ever be the same?
“Why did you do this to me?”, exhausted, I asked my Lord; that night I dreamt of Our Lord Jesus laying both his hands on my head. He said. Come to me all who are weary & burdened, I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28.The plans I have for you Thangam; are never to harm you. Jeremiah 29:11 So do not fear, for I am with you Isaiah 41: 10
How can God be so gentle? I thought; how can HE be so calm for the hate and anger that I have had towards HIM. How can HE care? I still didn’t understand HIS plan….
Was my life going to be the same? I wondered.
My anger then began to diminish as I reminded myself of the night we said goodbye to our dear Engel... Ayesha, my wonderful daughter, Suresh, my loving husband, and myself joined our hands and made a pact to celebrate the 25 glorious years he lived and not mourn his death. We made a promise to cherish the deep bonds he shared with his father, the loving relationship with his sister and the everlasting bond he shares with me.
My life is still not the same, but it’s changed.
I decided to trust blindly in HIS plans, believing that if my God has given me this cross then HE will give me the strength to carry it through. I chose positivity; I chose to accept; I chose to trust; I chose to surrender.
It was this decision that I made that brought about a turning point in my life, a personal decision, by myself, in connection with My Lord - a decision to live with my Engel’s memories forever. Knowing that the bond I shared with my son was an everlasting bond & breathing each breath as my Engel lives in my heart forever….My angel in heaven, my Engel.
My life is not the same, I am grateful that it has changed.
After having done this, my world has opened up to a rainbow of blessings. My white butterfly, my Engel, never fails me. In the midst of nature or a joyous occasion whenever my heart yearns to be with him, each time I connect with him…..a white butterfly, my white butterfly, visits me; gently resting on my shoulder or passing by me. This is something that I cherish till date and I know and believe that my white butterfly will visit me till the end of time.
I know you are with me, Engel, my angel in heaven…my white butterfly here on earth.
( Shared by Thangam Rodrigo, written by Meagan Motha & Natalie Fernandes Motha )
(Thangam Rodrigo, India, sharing her testimony on life after the loss of her 25yr old son, Engel: an angel in heaven, a white butterfly here on earth.)
You are a marvellous mum, Thangam. How blessed you are, how humble you are to give God the glory, to accept HIS plan and grace, to begin each day with gratitude and to accept that your life is not the same; it is now changed. You are an inspiration.
If any parent would like to reach out to Thangam, she will be happy to help you through the same journey. You can contact her @ thangam_r1234@yahoo.com
